Leave a message after the B***

So here’s something I dislike: leaving voicemail messages.

See also: picking up voicemail messages.

I don’t know why I hate picking them up. I think it might have something to do with the process. Here’s a quick break down:

Miss call. Get notification that you have a voicemail. Select “call voicemail now.” Evil phone misinterprets this to mean “show me what else you got.” Phone shows you “missed call” notification. Hit “end.” Press “1,” (or equivalent speed dial number for voicemail). Wait for voicemail to pick up. Listen to instructions to enter four-digit pass code. Enter four-digit pass code. Listen to the voice say, “You have one new message. First saved message received. At. Four. Twenty-two. P.M.” Listen to message. (If it is your mother or that girl from high school who can’t control the pitch of her voice, this step can take a while.) Message ends. Listen to voice say, “Press seven to de-” Hit seven before she finishes speaking. Call person back. Inevitably get their voicemail regardless of how few seconds have passed since they left THEIR message.

Which brings us full cycle back to my initial annoyance. I always hate leaving voicemail messages, but I KNOW why I hate that. Because even if I practice a message over and over in my head, I always panic and say something weird.

(This also happens if you don’t practice how you’ll say your order at the drive-thru and/or Starbucks. Seriously. Practice it in your head: Hi, can I get a grande iced coffee with non-fat milk and a chocolate chip cookie? Thaaaanks…)

But I think I’ve been getting better at the voicemail thing. The other day I RSVP’d for a party I can’t attend through a voicemail, and it was glorious. Ask my roommate Vanessa; she even commented on the eloquent loveliness. Thank you, thank you.

Life lesson #143: It takes at least 22 years to get decent at leaving voicemail messages.

Now I just need to figure out how to nix the whole “picking up messages” thing. I’m thinking about bringing back the beeper.