So, you know how (in general) I keep my crippling fears to myself? Well, prepare for me to break that rule. A little. Just this once.
My deepest, darkest fear? Being embarrassed. In my opinion, there is truly no worse feeling than humiliation.
If you read this blog regularly, you’ve probably realized that I don’t take myself THAT seriously. (And if you don’t read this blog regularly, what’s WRONG with you? Of course I’m kidding…but seriously.) But despite my penchant for self-deprecation, it’s a whole new animal when you cross that oh-so-fine-line from laughing with you to laughing at you.
For example, remember how I get nervous about team sports because I don’t want to get yelled at for letting people down? That stems from my fear of embarrassment. (I’m serious; that girl who yelled at me SCARRED me for life.)
Another aspect of my life that is forever effected by my phobia? My sleeping patterns. More specifically, my ability to sleep on trains, planes, and virtually any other public sphere. You already know that sometimes I just can’t sleep, but this is different. I could be legitimately ready to pass the heck out, but unless I’m tucked away in my bed where no one is LOOKING at me, it won’t happen. Sorry, Charlie, but I’d rather go through life all bleary-eyed than chance the possibility of drooling, snoring, or otherwise humiliating myself by doing something weird/gross in my sleep (AKA, looking like THIS guy) where someone could see me.
So WHY is any of this relevant? Well, if you’re referring to “relevant to life in general” and/or “important world affairs,” this blog is never relevant. So get off your high horse.
But it IS relevant to my life because in a month I’m moving a bit farther from the city where I work, meaning a longer commute. On a train. In the very early morning. When my natural inclination will be to sleep. But I won’t be able to. Because of the aforementioned fear.
I know what you’re thinking: “WILL SHE OVERCOME HER FEAR TO ATTAIN THE SLEEP SHE SO DESIRES?!” (Ok, maybe you’re only thinking that if you’re Don LaFontaine.)
But you know what? Maybe, just maybe in this brave new world where I share deep dark fears, I will be able to sleep on a train. I’ll keep you posted.
Photo courtesy of Amir Zamani