Narwhals. Seriously.

Ok, I don’t know why I feel like this warrants a post, but I’m not feeling well so I’m sort of scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

I have this sort of random obsession with narwhals.

There, I said it. Judge if you must, but at least hear me out. It’s not that I have, like, a narwhal fetish (um, *SHUDDER*). I just think they are probably the most hilarious animal ever.

Seriously. If I even read the word “narwhal,” I quite literally perk up in expectation of impending hilarity. I wish I was kidding.*

Now, I think I’m pretty justified in thinking this. Let’s examine the evidence, shaaaaall we?

Exhibit A: A narwhal seems like something that should not even be real.

Um, a beluga with a unicorn horn? Yeah right!! Except, yeah. It is right. After an exhaustive amount of research (on Wikipedia), I discovered that some medieval Europeans really did believe that narwhals got their tusks from unicorns (idiots), and they were considered to have magic powers.

Exhibit B: They’re kind of adorable in that awkward-smart-kid kind of way.

Ok, stay with me on this one, but if a narwhal were a high school student today, it would totally be that guy that is secretly adorable but is so painfully bookish that the girls won’t notice until senior year when he accidentally gets a great haircut and starts reading GQ.

I mean, in the world of whales, he’s the underdog:

But look how cute!!!

Exhibit C: Elephant in the room; let’s talk about the tusk.

I don’t want to say that the physiology of the narwhal seems…impractical, but I will say this is part of why I don’t believe in evolution. Look at it!!! All I can imagine is that thing getting stuck on something every time the narwhal turns it’s head. Or THINK of all the awkward first dates when the narwhal goes in for a kiss only to jab his date in the eye. *Cringe*

According to my reliable sources (again, Wiki), the “most broadly accepted theory for the role of the tusk is as a secondary sexual characteristic, similar to the mane of a lion or the tail feathers of a peacock.” About one in 500 males has TWO tusks. So I can only imagine he gets a lot of (narwhal) tail. (GET it? ………I’m so, so sorry…)

Another fun tusk fact? “A female narwhal may also produce a tusk, but this occurs rarely, and there is a single recorded case of a female with dual tusks.”

Not only does the tusk determine social rank (TOLD you there were nerdy narwhals), it can also be used for fighting and breaking the ice. (Meaning the narwhal would actually be a hit at most college parties….GET it? …Ok, I need to stop.*)

*No I don’t!