You want dignity with that?

So, you know how I tend to practice conversations in my head? This also applies to “conversations” I have with waiters, baristas, and drive-thru microphones.

Specifically, I like to, nay need to practice saying my order in my head about five times before I feel comfortable saying it out loud.

The thing is, when I’m in a long line and feel like I’m being rushed, I tend to panic and order the wrong thing. Seriously. I’ll be totally set to order a You-Pick-Two with a tuna sandwich and French onion soup, but if I’m not concentrating, the teller will look at me expectantly and I’ll panic and order a Bacon Turkey Bravo or something. Which, while not exactly a fail, is not what I wanted. And now it’s too late. And I refuse to be the weirdo who is like, “Actually, no. I don’t want that. I don’t know why I said that. I want something totally different from what I said.”

This is especially true when I’m ordering something complicated, like a Starbucks coffee. Now, I worked at Starbucks. I know how things are supposed to be called. (And yes, there is a very serious formula. You actually get trained and tested on calling drinks. For realz.) I mean, a few things have changed over the years since I quit, but in general, I know the lingo. The weird thing is, the drink sounds so much fussier when called correctly.

For example, today I ordered a (I kid you not) triple grande non-fat one-pump pumpkin spice latte. (And just because I’m sure some smarty barista out there is going to call me on it, I can never remember if you say the milk type before or after the syrup details. Sue me.) The barista will stare at me blankly (a shame to his profession) until I say, “A triple grande latte? With skim milk? And one pump of pumpkin spice?”

I should just pretend like I don’t know anything and order like the rest of the population. Because really, not only does ordering a drink that convoluted make me sound like a douche bag, it’s also verrrrry easy to mess up. (At least I didn’t have to add “and half a packet of Splenda.” I added that in myself. In the privacy of my cubicle. With my head down.)

But the fact is, people, I like what I like. So I’ll keep ordering (and practicing) just the way I want to.