The Centipede Wars

Married life is all about teamwork.

This was never more clear than last night when I suffered a near(ish) death experience.

Joey and I had had a lovely Memorial Day, sleeping in, going to the beach, relaxing, all culminating in eating burgers and settling in for our nightly episode of Firefly. All was calm, all was quiet.

But our relaxing evening in was not to be.

We don’t have an air conditioner yet, and it hasn’t been too hot so far, so we’ve just been opening Windows and using this oscillating fan I bought at Target.

So last night, I go to shut the window in the living room, and when I move the curtain aside, THE BIGGEST CENTIPEDE I HAVE EVER SEEN CRAWLS ACROSS THE WINDOW SILL.

It had roughly eight billion legs.For those of you not familiar, I do not do well with bugs. At all. Particularly cockroaches and many-legged vermin. So I promptly started shrieking for Joey to “OMGgiantbugGETIT!!!

Joey sprung into action, but the creature had positioned itself against the sill in such a way that he couldn’t simply be smashed with a shoe. We sat there for a few seconds (that felt like a few years) trying to decide our next move.

I came up with the brilliant idea of shooting it with hair spray. I’d done this before (albeit on smaller bugs) with great success. So while Joey kept an eye on the thing, I ran for the spray.

Well, it was nice in theory. The centipede darted right off the sill and promptly under the couch. I looked at Joey.

“There is no way I’m going to be able to sleep knowing that thing is in here.”

And thus began one of the most excruciating hours of my life.

Fortunately, we got smarter and got out the vacuum with its extender tool. Technology: Separating us from the animals since the invention of thumbs.

We almost got him twice before the bug settled himself squarely in the middle of the floor under the heaviest part of the couch where the pullout bed is.

At this point, I was exhausted, hot and sweaty, and almost ready to just let him stay. (Almost.)

Then it occurred to me that if we lifted up the pullout bed without actually pulling it out, we would be able to see what was underneath. With me covering his feet, Joey started removing the couch cushions.

At first we still couldn’t see the bug, but then I started sweeping the vacuum around under the couch to scare him against the back wall. It actually worked, and within a few minutes he was safely trapped in our vacuum. (Which is conveniently transparent so we can make sure he’s still in there.)

Joey promptly started researching the creature on his phone (they eat spiders and thrive in the water), while I tried to imagine a time I would feel safe opening the windows ever again.

But the point is, this job would have been much harder (and probably more terrifying) if I’d been by myself. They should probably include something about protecting each other from giant bugs in the marriage vows.

In other news, this weekend was pretty cool. Saturday we went to our friends’ wedding, and I gotta say, it was nice to go to a wedding and not have to do anything.

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Then on Sunday, we had some people over to thank them for helping us with our wedding.

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Then Monday was sleep in/beach/hamburger/centipede hunt day.

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I even managed to keep up with my half marathon training! Go me.

All in all, a pretty great holiday weekend.

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One thought on “The Centipede Wars

  1. Justine, you start with pill bugs, thinking they’re cute, and playing with them like litte marbles. Then you recognize that hairy caterpillars are not only pretty, but tickle your palm when they walk. Eventually you can manage a centipede (except those that are in fact poisonous and lay eggs in your brain. Oh wait, that was a Star Trek episode. Nevermind).

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