Lemons, lye, and other bitter tastes

So, I’ve been thinking this post over in my head for a few weeks now, but I haven’t started writing it out until today. Why, you ask? Well, because I’ve been trying to make it sound less…bitter.

I’m not actually bitter, though. Just a little weirded out. And possibly annoyed.

Here’s the thing: I need to whine a little bit. So just bear with me, and I promise a super cheerful post tomorrow. (Seriously. It’s already written. It just needs a picture. But it’s off-the-charts optimistic.)

So back to the whining.

Not to get all “so what’s up with social networks” on you, but there are a couple quirks in online communication that drive me crazy.

1. Locked Twitter accounts
I’m no authority of the Twitter, but what the heck is the point of this? The whole purpose of Twitter is to be this super open forum of random thoughts, jokes, and links. And then a few (pretentious) people go messing it all up by deeming their random YouTube links and “eating the most amazing sandwich” thoughts too personal for the general population.

Get over yourself. Because you know what? I’d venture to say I’m not the only one who isn’t going to follow you without any idea what kind of tweeter you are. For all I know, you could post a picture of your cat drinking water every hour on the hour. And I’m not willing to take that chance. Besides, if your thoughts are just that personal, they probably shouldn’t be on Twitter anyway.

2. People who use Facebook to prove something
Whether you’re trying to convince me how awesome you’re relationship is with Jesus or your boyfriend, there’s something about plastering your love all over my minifeed that doesn’t quite ring sincere. I’m not against religious or romantic comments here and there, but if you have to share every single spiritual or shmoopy thought in your head on an insanely public forum, not gonna lie, it sounds like you’re trying too hard. Besides, it’s always kind of weird when people who see each other all the time have to post adoring things on each other’s walls. That’s not for each other; that’s for everyone else.

3. Embarrassingly personal emo breakup statuses
Listen, breakups are hard. They just are. And it’s important to find healthy ways to cope. But you know what isn’t healthy? Awkwardly intimate statuses or tweets about how your heart is breaking. Or why she just won’t notice you. Or how he’s going to want you back someday. Because, you know what? That might have been true — up until you displayed your self-centered crazy on a public forum.

I’ve always said that if I was broken up with, no matter how crushed I was, I wouldn’t want to do anything out of post-breakup heartache to make my ex regret ever dating me. Like, oh, I don’t know, drafting long Facebook notes containing personal details and anecdotes that prove how well I know him. Or YouTube videos of me singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T-esque songs about how I don’t need him!!!!

I mean…I guess if that is genuinely helpful, more power to you. But I can’t help thinking it’s an excuse to force your friends to tell you how awesome you are via the comments section. Or to “like” your catharsis. Besides, breakup statuses are usually deliberately cryptic anyway, which just drives me crazier. You can’t straddle the fence between being uncomfortably open about the bad breakup and taking the high road. It’s one or the other. Commit already, or you’re just as bad as that no-good ex, amiright?

I think what I’m saying is, stop making social networks your personal diary. They’re not. They’re very public and easily spread to everyone. The biggest pro of a diary is that you can be as dramatic and self-serving as you want, and then later look back and be like, “Dang… I was a drama queen. Really glad I’m the only one who knows about this…”

Now, I’m not really a fan of extreme statements (bold statements are another story), so I should clarify that I’m not saying there is never a time or place on social networks for the above (well, except the first one; that’s always dumb). I mean, it is supposed to be a platform of sharing, even if that sharing tends to be annoying.

Just to be on the safe side, ask yourself, does this post make me look whiny, stuck up, or pretentious? Then maybe step away from the computer, put down the smart phone, and go dig up that Lisa Frank unicorn diary and a purple gel pen. You’ll thank me later.