The Top 10 Lessons We Learn from Lifetime Movies

So while Erin was here this weekend, we didn’t just eat cheesecake. We also watched about five hours of Lifetime movies.


And can I just say, WOW. WOW, Lifetime. Because times sure have changed since the days where the worst thing that could happen to you was getting raped.

Let me give you a quick breakdown of the Top 10 Lessons we learned from Lifetime:

1. If you sext, you will end up getting bullied to the point of killing yourself.

2. If you sext, you will give your mom’s frenemy the ammo she needs to destroy you. (Because, yes, she has been harboring homicidal jealousy toward you ever since you beat her daughter out of that scholarship to Price. Whore.)

3. If you forward a sext you found on your daughter’s friend’s phone, your daughter will get in a car accident while texting. That’s called justice.

4. If you start hanging out with a crowd of pretty party girls who drink underage, you will accidentally become a prostitute.

5. If you accidentally become a prostitute, you will not be able to get out of it because if you do, your pimp will kill your parents.

6. If you join a pregnancy pact, it will get leaked to the media.

7. If you don’t join a pregnancy pact, but a bunch of your friends get pregnant at the same time, the story that you joined a pregnancy pact will get leaked to the media.

8. Joining a pregnancy pact is not the way to lock down your high school boyfriend forever.

9. If you don’t make time to talk to your daughter about the birds and the bees, your daughter will join a pregnancy pact.

10. The best way to end bullying is by getting your friends to give up their cell phones for a month. Because no one bullies on the computer anymore. Or on paper. Or in person.

Aside from that, the plots of these movies has just gotten out of control. I mean, they’ve always been extreme. (If it’s been a while for you, I suggest viewing this hilarious SNL clip for an idea of the kinds of stories you’re missing out on.)

I mean, we are literally talking worst case scenario now. But more like, WORST. CASE. SCENARIO. And the worst part is that almost all of them are now (at least loosely) “based on a true story.” So after a couple hours, you’re pretty much convinced that everyone is terrible and plotting to destroy you (or your offspring) one way or another.

Here’s the lesson I’m going to choose to take away: If the hubs and I ever have a baby, I will consider us great successes as parents if we just manage to pop out a kid who is kind to other people. Pretty much all of these plots could have been avoided with a little kindness.

And, you know, by not entering an alleged pregnancy pact.

The lesson learned is pretty much implied here, right?