Going dark.


I’ve been putting off writing this post — writing any post — because, honestly, I wasn’t sure how to write it. And I didn’t feel like I could just skip it or gloss over my egregious absence.

I’ve been dark for a while. I decided long ago (never to live in anyone’s shadow…wait, focus, Justine…) that I wouldn’t apologize for gaps in posting because, gosh darnit, it’s my life, and if I want to live it instead of writing about it, that’s my prerogative.

But this wasn’t me being too busy to write. This was me going dark. In a lot of ways.

In short, I’ve been depressed. In the interest of not over-inflating things, I’m okay. I know other people deal with much more extreme versions of depression. Mine is a cyclical thing that I can usually anticipate with the days getting shorter and the weather getting colder. For me, depression comes in the form of exacerbated insecurities, claustrophobic feelings of being trapped, and feeling unloveable. It typically lasts anywhere from two weeks to a month, but this time it stretched over two months time, and that messed with my head. I felt like it would never end.

So, yeah, it’s a real trip.

And when feeling like holding my head just barely above water is just about all I can do, things like blogging about home decor and recipes and funny little things about my day aren’t even in the realm of possibility.

But what am I telling you for? If you’ve ever experienced depression (and I believe most people have and do), you already know.

Again, though, I’m fine. I only share this because, well, it felt dishonest not to. But I honestly feel like I’m finally on the other side of it — we’re on our way up out of the valley; the light is clearly visible. I’ll be returning to your regularly scheduled home decor and recipes and funny things about my day now.

But I wanted to say it. I wanted to share it. Because, odds are, you are feeling that way or have felt that way or will feel that way someday too. And you’re not alone. And it’s important that we all know that.

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6 thoughts on “Going dark.

  1. I’m a long time reader/subscriber to your blog, and I’ve missed your writing lately! Your honesty here (and in all your posts) is really refreshing, and I hope you feel like you’re getting back to YOU. Take care of yourself and we’ll be here when you’re ready to come back 🙂

  2. I get it. I had two-to-three weeks (straight) like that last last month and it awful. I’m usually such an upbeat, happy person – and you seem similar – that it was especially hard for me. I knew people had it worse, I knew that it was probably just seasonal (mixed in with some legitimate issues), but I couldn’t shake it. My husband felt super helpless because he couldn’t cheer me up. I got through it, though I don’t think it had anything to do with my own actions. We had registered for a HappyLamp at Bed Bath & Beyond and I did start using that right around the time I started feeling better, but who knows. Point being, I really related to your post and I wanted you to know that you’re not alone. ❤

  3. You’re definitely not alone. Thank you for talking about it. It helps me out when I’m dealing with the same issues. Keep up the good work.

  4. Hey Girlie,

    Read this when you first posted it and have been meaning to write. I’m all too familiar with the “big black dog” that follows you around — sometimes predictable and other times coming and going out of nowhere. I keep this quote close, taping it to my work computer and next to my bed at home. It’s seen me through the roughest of times — when I felt utterly trapped beneath the dog sitting immovable on my chest. Maybe it’ll resonate with you too:

    “When you close your doors, and make darkness within, remember never to say that you are alone, for you are not alone; nay, God is within, and your genius is within. And what need have they of light to see what you are doing?”

    Depression is scary and plays tricks on our mind. It makes us feel lonely even when we’re surrounded by people we love. It robs us of self evident truths: that we are lovable, that we are worthy, that there is light, that anyone else understands. You are loved, you are worthy, there is light, and so many understand the darkness. When you’re bumping around unable to see a thing, remember that you’re not alone. You’ve come this far and stumbled along and found your way.

    And I have a feeling you are well acquainted with one of my great nemeses, ahhhh that wicked constant friend: Uncertainty! Who rides the black dog like a goblin and taunts us with “what ifs” and robs us of joy. The quote applies to that just as much. Faith has been a life long struggle for me, but all too often it’s all we can hold on to. Keep on being your lovely, honest, insightful self. You’re doing just fine — more than fine.

    Vivi hit the jackpot with you as her mama.


    • Well DANG. That made me actually cry. Thank you so much for your lovely words; I absolutely love that quote. Miss your face.

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